My grandpa died this morning after basically a week of being in pain and suffering and literally he spent his whole life helping people. It’s so fucking backwards. I have no way to help my mother, grieving is just a part of life, but that makes me feel useless and I don’t do well when I can’t provide some sort of answer to someone. Also, I’m “starting grad school” today and I can’t even focus on anything. Stupid shit always gets started when things are going great and I barely slept last night and I just want someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer so I don’t have to think or feel anything for awhile. Just once I’d like to be understood in that yes, I don’t know how to fucking trust people, but FUCK there’s a whole lot of LITTLE SHIT that can be done to make me feel like I can trust you and when you purposely choose not to do those little things, it just makes me feel even more wary. FUCK.